Part 17: Chapter 17 (Battle) - Kindle’s Guide To Not Giving A Shit About Hiding Intel

Update 17 (Battle) - Kindle’s Guide To Not Giving A Shit About Hiding Intel

Welcome back, folks. Today we've got all-new missions in all-new locations, so let's get going!



And a new enemy CO, by the looks of it. Wonder what you're all about? Besides boats, apparently.



but the Black Hole Army wasn't even phased!

We've got to work our way up the food chain and take out their boss.

And we still don't have any fucking intel on that.

Whoever it is, they're content to stay in the shadows for now.

I suspected Hawke, but this... mindless destruction of the land makes me suspicious. Hawke's motivation was power. He'd rather conquer the world than destroy it.

That's a good point. But we still don't know anything. Yo, Rachel, do we have any intel at all?

We do, actually! According to the folks in intelligence, there's a large energy source somewhere in Red Rock Desert.

In that wasteland? Finding that thing is going to be some serious work.

And that is why we're going on desert patrol. It's an important mission.

If it's so important, how come there aren't more of us going?

HQ has ordered us to join up with a force of Yellow Comet COs and troops. But, we haven't heard a word so far. I hope Black Hole hasn't ambushed them.

If they had any sense, they brought at least one of their three primary strategists: Rose, Sonja or Vanessa. And if they did, there's no chance they got ambushed.

"If they had any sense"? My dude, Kanbei runs the country, remember?

oh god we need to save Yellow Comet

Yellow Comet COs? Adding their might to our own would be quite reassuring. Especially if that ACO, Rose, is as brilliant as my dude claims she is.

Any ACO would be an improvement over my dude.

Hey! We've had a nonstop stream of victories since I arrived, thank you very much!

Do you KNOW how much of our military budget goes to just affording all the medium tanks and bombers you deploy?

But I NEED them--

Commander Rachel! We've spotted enemy forces on the coastline ahead. It appears that they're preparing to strike.

They've found us already. Listen up, people! Get ready to see some action!

Rock! Let's roll those fools straight into the ocean.

I can only imagine the discussion at Intelligent Systems' HQ. "Hey, Andy's a super annoying dipshit, we should have a new main character. Ooh, and make him basically the same but with an even weirder lexicon!"

Meanwhile, at the actual map, we meet our new villain...



The black boat repairs on the battleship are far from complete. They need time...

...

Lady Kindle?

Inconsiderate rubes. I was planning to catch up on my reading during the repairs.

Oh, you're one of those villains. The well-read, classy ones that come across as fucking psychopathic.

Battling in this desolate squalor is absolute nonsense, don't you agree?

Yes, of course...

If we must fight, I prefer an urban setting. This appalling place is just so...rural. But orders are orders, I suppose. Get the black boats moving on those repairs. In the interim, I will make sure our guests are entertained...to death! Aha ha ha!

Every new Black Hole CO really had to find a way to be "quirky", didn't they? Jugger's the only endearing one so far.



Oh my god, do they have little hands?!

I've never seen anything like them. Another new Black Hole invention, I guess.

There's no point in guessing. Let's be sure to keep an eye on them as we move in. If our lander sinks in this battle, that's it--we lose.

"Don't lose units, it'll make us lose."

Would you STOP undermining me?!

C'mon, my dude, she's helping out. Just pay attention.

Their battleship is damaged, but we should still approach with caution. Starting today, we've also gained the authority to use the delete command.

The what.

The delete command lets us remove one of our own units from the field of battle. To do this, select Options from the map menu and choose Delete. Don't get carried away, though--deleting one of your own units is serious business.

I am literally never going to use this command.

Actually, that might not be true - can any readers let me know if deleting units counts as them being destroyed? Obviously if it does, I'm going to count that as losing a unit and will not be using it. But if it's not, it could have some tactical benefits later on.



Right, now we get to choose COs. Jake and Sasha won the vote, with Jake getting slightly more, so we'll be leading with him.



Wait, where are my dude and Jake? They're supposed to helping Sasha in this battle.

Oh, look, they're arriving now. Must've been off preparing battle strategies or something.

This is rockin’! You’re right, I’m into this. What did you say it was called again?

Eurobeat, my friend. Eurobeat. Make sure to play it on the loudest speakers you can find. Rachel LOVES eurobeat.

Are you two ready? We're waiting on you.

Right, yes, let's get on with it. I'm barely going to break a sweat beating this map.



Today’s Deployments
Rin, Infantry
Diana, Infantry
Dave, Mech
Dimitri, Mech
Michael, APC
Fliss, Tank
Elena, Tank
Fenya, Anti-Air
Yakov, Recon
Inessa, Artillery
Selena, Submarine
Jacquelyn, Lander

Elena
Age: 34
Personality: Quiet and taciturn sharpshooter.
Proficiencies: APC, Infantry, Tank, Rockets

Inessa
Age: 20
Personality: The upbeat, sparkling twin.
Proficiencies: Artillery, Rockets, Recon, [unknown]

And with that, let's begin.



That thing is freakish! What can it do?

Black Hole's military strength is not a thing to be taken lightly.

Their arms are funny though. I want some.

So! This map. First things first, as our COs up above just said, we've got some new units to worry about : the black boat.



Seeing as it has no ammo or damage listings, I can presume it's a support unit of some kind. That one sassy Black Hole soldier mentioned something about repairs, too, so it probably has some kind of APC refuel quality. That's my guess, ocean APCs.



Anyway, first thing we need to do is get really fucking aggressive. That battleship may only have 1HP, but any battleship is a threat, and I'd rather get it out of the way before all my ground troops move forward into its range. Selena can handle the job, no problem, unless Kindle's got some weird skills up her sleeve.

Oh, that reminds me, probably should check out her CO profile.



Oh my god! Finally! A CO where Black Hole units capturing every goddamn property they come across is useful!

I never thought I'd see the day. Genuinely incredible.



Ooh, and some nasty CO Powers that pair with her skills nicely. Damaging everything on a property dis-incentivises the opponent from putting their units on cities, which means they don't get any defensive bonuses from cities and also leaves them open for Kindle's own units to capture. Cities aren't always super common, though. I wonder what the firepower boost is like?

Either way, she sounds actually threatening, so that's a nice change of pace from the other COs we've fought thus far.



I move Jackie up to pick up some soldiers - need to get some forces to the HQ as soon as possible. I take Fenya, since there's a couple of foot units over there that I'll want to get rid of. There's not much on the north end of the map that Fenya's particularly good in combat against.



The foot units, meanwhile, are discussing the approach on the HQ. Dave shrugs.

“Right, I’ll take on the HQ. Michael, let’s get rolling.” Dave says, preparing to move. Unfortunately, his way is blocked by a short little soldier.

“No way! I’m coming too!” Rin says, folding her arms.

“I know you’re worried, kid, but I’ll be alright. In and out. Taking HQs is what I do best.”

“Don’t worry, Dave, you can stick with Rin here. I’ll do it.” Dimitri replies, gesturing to the island in the distance.

“Absolutely not! You’re not going alone!” Diana barks at Dimitri.

“But…” Dimitri starts, then stops as he realises that there’s no point in arguing with Diana.

“When the hell did these girls start making all the decisions about the risks we take in battle, huh?” Dave says to Dimitri with a wry grin.

Dimitri shrugs. “Perhaps we’d better pay attention.”

“It’s gonna be rough both here and over there, as far as I’m concerned.” Dave replies. He drops his voice to a whisper. “You and Diana are way stronger than me. She’s still new to ground-based combat. Can you look after her?”

Dimitri nods. “G’luck taking the HQ, Dave. Rin will be safe, you have my word.”



“Dave, you’re going?” Rin says. Dave turns back and gives Rin a thumbs-up.

“I am. Think the enemy can hold Dave Ruston off? No chance - I’ll be back soon as I can.”

“I’ll be waiting, so you’d better!” Rin replies, her face scrunched up with youthful worry.



I move my troops forward as such, with Dimitri in between Diana and Rin. Meanwhile, the two tank units suddenly realise that they know each other.

"I don't believe it," Elena says over her transceiver. "Fliss, is that you in the other tank?"

"It is..." Fliss replies. "Elena! I haven't seen you since the last campaign."

"I presume you've been keeping up with your sharpshooting skills?"

"Of course." Fliss says.

"Good." Elena replies, allowing a rare grin to cross her face. "Well, then, Fliss, let's see how much we've both improved. Whoever defeats more soldiers in this battle will win!"

Fliss, in an uncharacteristic moment of excitement, nods. "Y-yes! I'll show you what I've learned since we last spoke!"



Right, let's see what these boats do, then.



To do so, simply move next to a damaged unit and select Repair from the menu. Black boats can also transport two units of foot soldiers at once.

Are you... are you fucking tutorialising? Only my WIFE is allowed to tutorialise at me!

My dude, we don't have any black boats. I presume she's informing her own troops about the usage of the black boats.

Oh. Right. Ignore me.

A map leading to the black boat research labs is in one of the cities on this map. Defend the cities! We can't allow the Allied Nations to get their hands on that map.

Oh, god damn it. One of these missions. I knew it looked too simple.

Understood? Now, move out. And please don't embarrass me.

Understood! Operation Black Boat is under way!

_{My operation names are cooler.}

Either way, we learned what black boats do, and I am mightily concerned.



Because, yeah, they can just straight-up heal botes. So that's new and interesting!



Remember how I just loaded Fenya into Jackie because I was like "those ground troops around the HQ need to die, and Fenya won't be much use up here"?

Yeah. The black boats just carried them up to the goddamn mainland.

Oh well - Fenya will still be useful against the artillery on the HQ, and if Selena sinks the black boats, they won't have any way of getting back to the HQ afterwards.



OK then, let's figure out what to do now. Somehow I've got to capture a city with a map in. I can only presume it's one of the cities on the far right of the map. Where Kindle's APC is, maybe? Either way, I'd better start moving my troops over there.



Selena moves in on the battleship and dives to avoid being attacked. Pretty textbook stuff from our girl.



And our HQ party head over to the island, though we can't quite make it this turn. To be fair, we can't do anything until the battleship is gone anyway, so this doesn't really affect us much.



Fliss opens fire on the recon from the south. "Y-yah! There we go!"

Elena nods. "Mm, impressive. Yakov, would you mind opening the way for me?"

"Mm. Sure." Yakov replies sullenly. "One second."



This doesn't look like it's going to work, but-



I am, in fact, luckier than I should be. And this is really, really important, because I need to attack the artillery from this very city that the recon was sat on.



"There we go!" Elena says, her shots blasting away at the artillery. "Beat that, Fliss!"

"I'm not down and out yet." Fliss replies. "But... very nice shooting, Elena!"

"Never seen Elena so genuinely fired up." Diana remarks. Rin bursts out laughing.

"Funny," she says. "I was going to say the same thing about Fliss!"



I only just noticed, but there's a mountain next to Fliss, meaning that the enemy tank can't push forward either. That means I'm free to move my infantry forward - the artillery's no threat, since I've moved Inessa into its range and her artillery can take it out next turn.



But first, Kindle's got more stuff to do.

I'll give you a hint. It's capturing things and repairing that battleship.



Oh, well, she attacks too. First, her artillery fires on Inessa, which is totally fine.

"Oh, you want to tangle?" Inessa says, preparing her next shot. "I'm gonna take you out, just you wait!"



This is the more worrisome attack - the tank goes for Fliss, and it hurts.

"Gah!" Fliss cries. "I'm... not done yet!"

"Fliss, don't push yourself-" Elena starts, but Fliss shakes her head.

"I'm OK... this is the job of a soldier..." she murmurs.



The black boats are steadily repairing this battleship. Unfortunately, even after recovering 3HP, it's still not even close to being able to survive a Selena strike.



So, hey, nothing to worry about. Let's push ahead!



I get Michael, Dave and Fenya dropped off at the island.

"Right, orders are to take out the artillery, then move on HQ once the hidden intel's been found." Dave says.

"Can do. I'll strike the artillery whilst you two move in." Fenya says. "Dimitri's leading the charge on the mainland. Somehow, I don't think it'll be long until the map is found."

Michael nods. "You're part of Dimitri's Mercenaries, aren't you? I haven't had the chance to speak with Dimitri much, but I've had the pleasure of seeing him fight more than a few times. You mercenaries are quite an extraordinary bunch."

"Thank you." Fenya replies, looking away, not sure how to respond to the frank compliment. "We just do our jobs. Dimitri is certainly a good leader, though. My younger brother, Felix, looks up to him somewhat."

"Some of the youngsters look up to Dave, too." Michael replies, grinning. Dave sighs.

"Yeah, they do. I'm nothin' special. Still, it'll be good to have one of Dimitri's Mercs on hand, Fenya. Thanks for comin' with us."

"Of course." Fenya replies. "We're all part of the Allied Nations now. We fight as one."



There's an enormous explosion as Selena's torpedoes tear through the hull of the battleship, and over the transceiver, a single, curt message plays.

"Battleship neutralised. Ground forces, prepare to advance - we're at the advantage now."

"Good on you, Selena!" whoops Rin. "Gosh, she's so cool when she's in the heat of battle. We can't lose now!"



I move Yakov over to take out this artillery, but...



Probably better for his sister, Inessa, to do it. It's the only thing in her range, whereas Yakov can move around and attack something else. Slightly more efficient, I think, so I go ahead with it.



Of course, Yakov isn't going to be killing a full-HP tank anytime soon, so Elena attacks it, utilising the city to minimise counterattack damage.



Remarkably enough, I was expecting Fliss to leave it on 1HP so Yakov would have to finish it off, but she actually killed it outright. I'm doing well with these luck-based kills today.



Diana makes a start capturing this city. One of them's gotta have the map in, so I may as well capture them all along the way.



And this is how we shape up. Rin and Dimitri can capture the two enemy properties further ahead, and there's nothing in Kindle's forces that can handle Elena and Fliss, so they can stomp everything. Down below, uh... I guess we just plink away at the artillery with Fenya until we find the map.



Right, Kindle, be nonthreatening again whilst I murder all of your stuff.



A CO Power. That is... the opposite of nonthreatening.



Goddammit, and I just put a bunch of my units on fucking cities...



Sure enough, Diana, Yakov and Elena all take 3 easily-avoidable damage and I am slightly irritated.



This Dick Captures A Property: 15



And now that Yakov is weakened, this anti-air thinks they can try it on. Unfortunately, they can - he barely survives this on 2HP.

"Ngh, damn..." Yakov mutters. "Ness, I'm gonna retreat. Can you move ahead in my place?"

"Of course I can, bro! I've got you covered - you go heal up, and stay out of danger, alright?" Inessa replies.



OK, right, let's see if we can push back against Kindle.



Selena does a solid amount of damage to the black boats, even considering the 10% defence they're getting from Kindle using her CO Power. She'd be in range to one-shot them without it, I think.



Fenya is less successful against the artillery. It's gonna heal most of the damage it takes from her, but we need to take it out before we can move Dave in.



As stated, Yakov gets the fuck out of there. Meanwhile, Diana continues capturing this city, but can't quite finish it due to that pesky damage. AOE damage CO Powers, I have most certainly not missed you.



Elena does decent damage to the anti-air, even after the chip damage, so she approaches it first.

"Easy pickings." she remarks. Fliss shakes her head.

"It's still not down yet... that doesn't count as a kill."



"This... this is a kill!" Fliss cries, and she opens fire on the anti-air too. Unfortunately, it is not a kill, and it survives with some HP left. My tanks are looking pretty weak, now, too. I'm a tad concerned.



Rin can begin capturing a city, anyway, whilst Dimitri plays catch-up.



And this is how things shape up. Looking pretty good - we've beaten virtually everything that's actually threatening, and we're slowly capturing her cities. That map won't be able to hide for long.



Of course, I don't want to get too hasty. We'd best play it safe for now.



One of the black boats repairs the other one, which then fucks off to the south. The anti-air also runs away - on top of a city, which is an annoying place for a Kindle unit to be. Healing, defence and attack... and my tanks are not hitting as hard as they should, both being on less than half HP and all.



OK, let's do something about all this then. Ooh, and finish capturing those things, too.



Rin captures her property! No map, though. Hm.



Without the defensive buff from the CO Power, Fenya does decent damage to the artillery now. I feel confident enough to move Dave in now.



Plus, Dave should be able to kill it next turn. Mechs do hit really hard, and I often undervalue that.



Some enemy infantry decided to come over and replace the anti-air that ran away, so I set Inessa on it. I'd rather not let it capture or recapture any of these properties.



Diana finishes capturing her city, too. Took a bit longer than expected, but got there in the end.



Really? Let me see... Yes! This is a map leading to a lab where black boat research is taking place! Perfect! Now we can steal its design documents!

It wasn't even in a city she OWNED? Are you kidding me, Black Hole?

Maybe she thought it'd throw us off the scent if it wasn't in a Black Hole property.

It was literally the first city we started capturing!

Yeah, she didn't seem very down with keeping a close eye on that intel, huh. Score for us, though.



Elena, seeing as she has more HP than Fliss, attacks the anti-air first, and weakens it.

"Argh, not quite close enough for the kill..." she says, narrowing her eyes.



"Allow me to help..." Fliss replies, destroying the anti-air. "That's two for me, now."

"I weakened it." Elena says. Fliss gives her a gentle smile.

"We did agree that only kills count, though..." she says. "I... really respect you as a soldier, so I want to win and show you how much I've improved."

"You're certainly very impressive, Fliss." Elena replies. "But the mission isn't over yet."

"Actually, it kind of is." Diana says over the transceiver. "My dude's orders - he says now that we've got the map, we play on the defensive whilst the southern crew take the HQ."

Elena remains silent, feeling the hot flush of embarrassment cross her face. The ace sharpshooter of Blue Moon? Losing a contest to some kid?



Selena absolutely eviscerates this poor boat. Once the other one's gone, Kindle has literally no way to stop me taking her HQ, so... yeah, wow, bad luck for her.



And our turn ends like so. Dave's ready to move on the HQ, Fenya's gonna help him take out the artillery. My troops up top just need to hold out for a bit longer.



Kindle's turn starts in the same way that most Black Hole turns start.

This Dick Captures A Property: 16



As expected, the artillery goes for Michael, but it does barely anything. Michael's dropped Dave off, so he's done all he needs to, and can retreat next turn.

Meanwhile, Rin, flushed with victory from capturing her city, leaps up and cheers.

"We're gonna win! Do your best out there, Dave!"

The nearby squad of Black Hole soldiers notice her, but she does not notice them. They move forward, raising their guns to execute her.



"OH, NO YOU DON'T!" roars Dimitri Volkov, leaping forward and preparing to take the blow in Rin's stead. "Go on, strike me down, I dare you!"

Rin turns around in shock. "Wait, wha-?"



The gunfire is short - Dimitri makes quick work of the Black Hole soldiers.

"Dimitri..." Rin murmurs. "I got overconfident, and I wasn't paying attention. You had to risk yourself... I'm sorry!"

"I gave Dave my word that I'd protect you." Dimitri replies. He nods at Rin. "I'd have done that for any soldier on this battlefield. Look after yourself, alright?"

"I... I will!" Rin says.

Diana, watching from nearby, smiles at Dimitri, though he's not paying attention. "A true hero... I still can't believe I misjudged you for all that time. There's nothing you wouldn't do for your fellow man, is there?"



Right, Dimitri's heroics aside, we ought to finish off this map. We're basically done here.



And hey, we've got a fun toy to play with. There's no way we're going to deal/take enough damage to charge the Tag Power, so we may as well just throw out the SCOP and make doubly sure that artillery dies.



And Jake's line doesn't sound incredibly forced and stupid for once. I'll give you that one, Jake.



Loud music begins playing across the battlefield, played on the largest speakers Jake has access to.

Gonna take my car, gonna sit in
Gonna drive along 'til I get you
'Cause I'm crazy, hot and ready, but you like it
I wanna race for you (Shall I go now?)

What on earth is that?

Oh my god, using a SCOP whilst listening to Eurobeat. I take back nearly everything I've said about you, Jake. This is beautiful. Here... we... GO!

Tragically, the ranged units getting extra range won't be too useful, since even with that increase, Inessa isn't able to target anything. But more damage is always good, so let's make use of that.



"Here's how one of Dimitri's Mercenaries takes care of business!" Fenya says, readying her guns and opening fire on the artillery.

Gas, gas, gas
I'm gonna step on the gas
Tonight, I'll fly (and be your lover)
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I'll be so quick as a flash
And I'll be your hero



"No chance to retreat! I'll destroy you!" Dave growls, following up with a powerful blast of his heavy ordnance. The artillery is completely wiped out, leaving the HQ open and undefended.

Gas, gas, gas
I'm gonna run as a flash
Tonight, I'll fight (to be the winner)
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm gonna step on the gas
And you'll see the big show



Selena readies herself to finish off the black boat, sealing our victory. "My dude... don't you agree? This is what perfection looks like!"

With that, she unleashes her torpedoes and absolutely murderfucks the black boat.

Don't be lazy 'cause I'm burning for you
It's like a hot sensation
Got this power that is taking me out
Yes, I've got a crush on you, ready, now, ready, go



The music fades out as all of our soldiers finish movin- hang on, who's...

"Elena, where are you going?" says Fliss. "My dude ordered everyone to stay put..."

"I'm not going to lose to you. Watch me destroy this artillery!" Elena replies, gritting her teeth as she opens fire.

"But... but the mech..." Fliss says, fretting. "I have to... but I was ordered to stay... I..."

"Fliss, orders don't matter when someone's life is in danger!" Michael replies. "Protect her!"



"R-right!" Fliss says, moving her tank over. "Elena, I'm coming..."

"Fliss? Wait, if you come into enemy territory as well-"

"I won't leave you behind!" Fliss cries, positioning her tank in front of Elena. "If we go down, we go down together!"



Rin, making sure to pay attention to nearby enemy soldiers this time, makes a move on the next city. I mean, we don't need it now, since we have the map, but eh, it's something for her to do.



Dimitri and Inessa both head out to try and protect Fliss and Elena, but it's not looking good. That mech is gonna be out for blood.



Still, I think they should be able to-



Oh, fuck, no no no no no



NO NO NO NO NO STOP

please tell me the mech can't attack them from a city



Oh he can't, so they might... they might survive this..?

"Brace yourself, Fliss!" Elena says. "I'm sorry, I dragged you into my silly competitivity... and now we're going to pay for it."

The mech opens fire.

"Fliss! Elena!" Dimitri shouts.

"Are they..." whispers Inessa, staring in horror at the shoals ahead of her. The sand and dust begins to clear...



"Not... yet..." Fliss says, opening her eyes to reveal both her and Elena's tanks are damaged, but not destroyed. "I am a soldier. This is a soldier's duty..."

"Fliss..." breathes Elena. "You just saved my life."



Thank fucking god for that. Now get the hell out of there, you two!



Dave makes a start on the HQ, and since he wasn't stood on the HQ when Kindle did her CO Power, we won't have any delays.



Elena and Fliss get right the hell out of there.

"Thank you, Fliss. I got... hotheaded." Elena admits. "I should have set an example for you younger soldiers."

"It's OK..." Fliss replies, smiling. "I'm just glad you're safe."

"No thanks to you. You really are the best sharpshooter around, Fliss." Elena replies. "I look forward to fighting alongside you again - and being more careful in future."

"Th-that would be good..!"



Rin's nearly got this captured, too. She did take damage from Kindle, so that's annoying.



For such a small map, I feel like this battle is taking forever. Kindle, d'you mind just not doing anything today?



awesome thank you



Rin captures another thing!



I get Selena to dive up, also. She's going through fuel at quite a clip now, and I always get concerned when Selena's low on fuel.



"Mission complete. HQ captured!" Dave reports, and the rest of the soldiers yell victoriously, Rin amongst them, beaming more brightly than she ever has before.



The time I spent on vacation must have dulled my killer instinct.

Whoa! Do you use napalm for hair gel or something? Surrender now, you're done!

If you insist. Do you promise to interrogate me personally?

HATE the implication of that.

What, are you totally insane? I'm your enemy! We just owned your army!

Aha ha ha! It's a joke, darling. You've no sense of humor at all, do you? When we meet next, I'll be leading a proper army. You'd better do your homework.

The worst part is, she's got a point. A proper army, and more bases under her command... she might be one of the scarier Black Hole COs we've met so far.

Agreed. The sooner we can meet up with Yellow Comet, the better.

Oh, yes, my name is Kindle. Can you feel the flames burning within you? Aha ha ha!

"Aha ha ha"? Nice laugh, snob! Jake, stay away from that tart.

Damn, is someone jealous?

Shut UP!

These Black Hole COs just keep getting weirder and weirder...

Probably one of Jake's better scenes, this. I think "What, are you totally insane?" is my favourite of his lines so far.



Nice easy S-rank, a real breather of a mission. I was expecting a jump in difficulty after that black crystal mission, but it seems like it's not quite here yet.



Goddammit, Jake, I just complimented you and then you go and do this

Sasha's line is kind of adorable.



Meanwhile, looks like the dynamic duo are back. Oh, right, this is gonna be the lab mission, if this game is anything like AW2, right?



Well, may as well see what we're in for, seeing as that Kindle map was way shorter and easier than I expected.



A man must strike while the iron is hot. We must attack with the army we have. Launch an all-out assault and crush the enemy before they reach the lab.

Loading Jugger and Koal tag battle program. Violence inhibitor: overridden.

Why does a Black Hole CO have a violence inhibitor, anyway? The only thing they DO is commit violence.



FOOOOOG OF WAAAAAAR

This is why we can't have nice things.

If they rush us, we're gonna get seriously owned...

The other reason we can't have nice things is "everything Jake ever says".

The research lab itself is lightly guarded, so here's what we're going to do. The orange team will guard our HQ and send a small squad to take over the lab. While they do that, the blue team will hit the enemy with everything they've got.

The orange team should use their indirect-combat units as much as possible. You can't afford to lose units with good vision while in a Fog of War mission.

Wait, ranged units have better vision than direct-combat units? I don't think I ever noticed that.

If we capture the lab, we'll get plans for the bri...bra...uh...brick boat?

Um...bricks don't float, Colin. It's called a black boat. Maybe you need glasses.

I'm definitely going to call them bro boats.

Bro...wait, it's YOU that keeps referring to B copters as "bro copters" in our reports to HQ, isn't it?! You know HQ keeps complaining about that, right?

They're bros, though! Better than calling these things fuckin' brick boats.

Brick, black, bro, whatever. If it repairs units, we need it!

My dude, it's another Fog of War map. Are you going to be OK?

I'll be alright, Sasha. Thanks for the concern.

If you want me to take part in the battle, just let me know. I'll have your back out there.



Let's take a look at the map, anyway. Here's a look at the top... and what was all that about orange and blue teams? I only see-



Ooh, there's the blue team. So, wait, do we not have Tag-



Wait, each team gets a Tag partner?! Four COs? My god, that's so fucking overpowered, what.

Uh, right, guess we have the usual suspects, and for your votes let me know if you want them on the Blue Team: Operation Murderfuck or the Orange Team: Operation Get Botes.

My first instinct is that Orange Star can be orange and Blue Moon be blue - blue team start with fewer properties, so Sasha's extra money and Colin's cheap deployments seems sensible to build a quick army, and orange team being on indirect control sounds like Jake's range-increasing SCOP might be useful, and his vehicles doing more damage is always useful. Up to you guys, of course, though - who's going where?

And with that, I will see you all next time for what looks to be an absolute bloodbath of a map! My units or theirs, I dunno. Depends on how nice the fog plans to be.

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Update 18 (Intermission) - On The Cards